Everyone laughed when my three-year-old pointed at my stepmother\u2019s stomach and shouted that her daddy was inside. I laughed too, until she began crying and dragged me closer. Then I saw the tiny mark beside Clara\u2019s swimsuit, and my husband turned the color of pool chalk.<\/p>\n
By noon, there were scattered wet footprints across my kitchen floor and one pink sandal floating in the deep end.<\/p>\n
Ariel stood beside the pool wearing purple goggles and a paper crown that had gone soft around the edges.<\/p>\n
She had insisted on keeping it on while swimming because, according to her, queens did not remove crowns for water.<\/p>\n
\nShe had insisted on keeping it on.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Glen was grilling hot dogs beneath the maple tree. Every few minutes, he lifted the lid and frowned at the smoke as if the grill had personally betrayed him.<\/p>\n
I was carrying a bowl of watermelon toward the patio when my stepmom, Clara, arrived.<\/p>\n
She paused outside the gate. That was Clara\u2019s way. She rarely entered a room without first making certain no one would resent her for taking up space.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nMy stepmom, Clara, arrived.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She wore a white cover-up over a swimsuit and carried a neatly wrapped present beneath one arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re late,\u201d my father called from the lawn.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\nClara smiled.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She did not explain. She never did.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nShe wore a white cover-up over a swimsuit.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Fifteen years earlier, she had married my father two years after my mother died. I had been 17 then, angry at the world and especially angry at any woman who stood in my mother\u2019s kitchen.<\/p>\n
Clara never fought back.<\/p>\n
She simply became careful.<\/p>\n
She did not sit in Mom\u2019s chair.<\/p>\n
She never changed the curtains.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nShe had married my father two years after my mother died.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She asked before touching anything in the house, even after she had lived there for years.<\/p>\n
At the time, I took her caution for coldness.<\/p>\n
Eventually, distance became our family language.<\/p>\n
Still, she had come to Ariel\u2019s birthday.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\nThat mattered.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nI took her caution for coldness.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Ariel ran toward her with both arms raised.<\/p>\n
Clara bent down and hugged her, then handed her the present.<\/p>\n
Inside was a wooden tea set painted with tiny strawberries.<\/p>\n
Ariel gasped. \u201cCan we have tea now, Grandma?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter cake,\u201d Clara said.<\/p>\n
Ariel considered this injustice, then accepted it.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nAriel considered this injustice.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
***<\/p>\n
For the next two hours, the party moved the way children\u2019s parties do\u2026 loud, sticky, and slightly dangerous.<\/p>\n
Preschoolers chased one another with water guns.<\/p>\n
My father fell asleep beneath an umbrella.<\/p>\n
Glen burned the first tray of hot dogs and blamed the wind.<\/p>\n
Clara stayed near the edge of everything.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\n<\/div>\n\nClara stayed near the edge of everything.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She refilled cups.<\/p>\n
Collected paper plates.<\/p>\n
Tied a loose balloon ribbon around the fence.<\/p>\n
When I asked whether she wanted to swim, she glanced toward the crowded pool.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe later.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nShe refilled cups.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re wearing a swimsuit, Clara!\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Her smile was small. \u201cThat doesn\u2019t mean I have to be brave enough to dive in.\u201d<\/p>\n
I thought she meant the children splashing everywhere.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
After cake, the heat became unbearable.<\/p>\n
Even Clara finally removed her cover-up.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nClara finally removed her cover-up.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Her swimsuit was a simple one-piece. She walked down the pool steps slowly, one hand gripping the rail.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\nAriel was racing past with two friends when she stopped so suddenly that the children behind her bumped into her back.<\/p>\n
She stared at Clara. Then she pointed.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cMommy, Daddy\u2019s in there!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Every adult within hearing distance turned.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cMommy, Daddy\u2019s in there!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
For one second, nobody understood.<\/p>\n
Then laughter spread across the patio.<\/p>\n
My father, who was awake then, nearly spilled his lemonade.<\/p>\n
Glen raised both hands from the grill.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can confirm I am not.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed too.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nFor one second, nobody understood.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Clara looked down at her stomach, then toward me with an expression that said children were strange and we should all move on.<\/p>\n
Heat climbed into my face. I hurried toward Ariel.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\u201cSweetheart, we don\u2019t point at people\u2019s bodies.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cBut Daddy\u2019s in there, Mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She sounded certain.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nShe sounded certain.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
I crouched beside her and pointed toward Glen.<\/p>\n
\u201cDaddy is over there.\u201d<\/p>\n
He waved the grilling tongs.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cRight here, bug.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Ariel looked at him, then back at Clara. Her face crumpled.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Daddy\u2019s in there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cDaddy is over there.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She began to cry.<\/p>\n
Not the theatrical cry she used when we denied her cookies.<\/p>\n
This was frightened crying.<\/p>\n
Ariel grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward the pool.<\/p>\n
Clara stepped out of the water and reached for a towel.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\u201cOh, Helen, honestly. She\u2019s three!\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nShe began to cry.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Ariel tugged harder.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Mommy! I\u2019m not lying. Look.\u201d<\/p>\n
I followed her finger.<\/p>\n
At first, I saw only the smooth fabric of Clara\u2019s swimsuit, the kind with sharp cut-outs slanting across her waist, and the pale skin beneath them.<\/p>\n
Then Clara shifted.<\/p>\n
Uncovered by the high arch of the cut-out, a faint trace of dark ink emerged against the pale skin of her ribs. It was an old tattoo.<\/p>\n
A lighthouse.<\/i><\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cNo, Mommy! I\u2019m not lying. Look.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
The ink had faded to blue-gray. Thin lines formed a narrow tower against curling waves.<\/p>\n
Beside it was a tiny smiling sun.<\/p>\n
A circle. Seven short rays. Two dots for eyes. One crooked curve for a mouth.<\/p>\n
I had seen that sun thousands of times.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\n<\/div>\n\nI had seen that sun thousands of times.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Glen drew it on grocery lists.<\/p>\n
On napkins.<\/p>\n
On birthday cards.<\/p>\n
On every note he tucked into Ariel\u2019s lunch bag.<\/p>\n
I stood up too quickly.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cGlen.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Something in my voice made the yard quiet.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nGlen drew it on grocery lists.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
He walked over, wiping his hands on a towel.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
I pointed at Clara.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy is your drawing on her body?\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen looked.<\/p>\n
The towel slipped from his hand.<\/p>\n
Clara stared at him.<\/p>\n
For one long second, neither of them spoke.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cWhy is your drawing on her body?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
My aunt stopped collecting plates.<\/p>\n
My father sat up beneath the umbrella.<\/p>\n
Someone turned off the music.<\/p>\n
Glen looked pale.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease,\u201d he said. \u201cLet me explain.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words landed badly.<\/p>\n
Of course they did.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nGlen looked pale.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Clara wrapped the towel around her waist.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know what kind of story you\u2019ve made up in your head.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn my head?\u201d My words clipped. \u201cMy daughter just recognized my husband\u2019s drawing on your body.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ariel stood between us, tracing the air with her finger.<\/p>\n
\u201cDaddy draws the happy sun.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cMy daughter just recognized my husband\u2019s drawing on your body.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
<\/div>\nGlen knelt beside her.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n
The confirmation moved through the guests like a cold current.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
He kept one hand on Ariel\u2019s shoulder.<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore I met you, I volunteered at an arts center downtown.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
\u201cI know that,\u201d I snapped.<\/p>\n
He had told me about Saturday classes and community murals.<\/p>\n
He had never told me about Clara.<\/p>\n
Clara pressed the towel tighter against herself.<\/p>\n
Glen looked at the tattoo again.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere was a program for people recovering from surgery. Local artists helped them design things to cover scars. I\u2019m not a tattoo artist,\u201d he added quickly. \u201cI only sketched.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nHe had never told me about Clara.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
<\/div>\nClara\u2019s mouth parted. \u201cThe community room on Willow Street.\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen looked at her.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cYou remember?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
\u201cOnly pieces.\u201d<\/p>\n
She touched the lighthouse.<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember a young man with paint on his hands.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cOnly pieces.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
My father looked from Clara to Glen.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo one knew each other?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Clara said. Her voice was barely above the water dripping from the pool ladder.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was almost 20 years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen sat back on his heels.<\/p>\n
\u201cA woman came in one Saturday and asked everyone to draw something that meant hope.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cNo one knew each other?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Clara closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
The party disappeared around us.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\nNo plates clattered.<\/p>\n
No children shouted.<\/p>\n
Even Ariel stood still.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had just had surgery,\u201d Clara revealed.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cI had just had surgery.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Her hand moved to the tattoo.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had a tumor removed. The scar ran across my stomach, and I couldn\u2019t look at it without thinking about everything that almost happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
My father stared at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never told me that part.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI told you I had surgery.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said it was years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cYou never told me that part.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She looked at him, then away.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did not want to spend the rest of my life introducing myself through the worst thing that had happened to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/div>\nGlen rubbed one thumb against his palm.<\/p>\n
\u201cI drew a lighthouse because it stands in bad weather without pretending the weather isn\u2019t there.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ariel leaned against him.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the sun?\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cI drew a lighthouse.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
He gave her a faint smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cI put that sun on everything back then too, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
Clara looked at the tattoo as if seeing it for the first time.<\/p>\n
\u201cUnderneath, he wrote two words.\u201d<\/p>\n
She lowered the towel slightly.<\/p>\n
Below the lighthouse, almost hidden by the swimsuit seam, faded letters curved along the scar.<\/p>\n
Still Standing.<\/strong><\/i><\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cUnderneath, he wrote two words.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
My father sat down again.<\/p>\n
Nobody laughed now.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\nThe suspicion inside me did not vanish all at once. It loosened slowly.<\/p>\n
Glen had been 21 then.<\/p>\n
Clara had used her maiden name.<\/p>\n
Years later, she married my father.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nGlen had been 21 then.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
By then, Glen had moved away, cut his hair, and become the man I met at a friend\u2019s barbecue.<\/p>\n
Clara had changed too.<\/p>\n
Different hair.<\/p>\n
Different last name.<\/p>\n
A brief afternoon in a crowded art room had disappeared beneath two decades of living.<\/p>\n
Until a three-year-old noticed one crooked sun.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nBy then, Glen had moved away.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
***<\/p>\n
Ariel reached toward Clara\u2019s stomach.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cCan I touch it?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Clara nodded.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\nAriel placed one finger on the lighthouse.<\/p>\n
\u201cDaddy made it pretty.\u201d<\/p>\n
Clara laughed once, but tears had gathered in her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cDaddy made it pretty.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Ariel traced the sun.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cYou kept it.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
No one spoke.<\/p>\n
Those three words seemed to settle over every year between us.<\/p>\n
The drawing.<\/p>\n
The scar.<\/p>\n
The life that followed.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nThose three words seemed to settle over every year between us.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
I looked at Clara differently then.<\/p>\n
Not as the woman standing beside my father.<\/p>\n
Not as the person who entered our house after my mother was gone.<\/p>\n
As someone who had once sat in a community center frightened of her own reflection, asking strangers to draw her a reason to keep looking.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\nThe thought should have made me softer immediately.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nI looked at Clara differently then.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Instead, another question rose.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why have you always hated me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Clara flinched.<\/p>\n
My father began to say my name, but she lifted one hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI never hated you, Helen,\u201d Clara choked out.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou barely spoke to me for 15 years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cYou barely spoke to me for 15 years.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
\u201cYou missed birthdays,\u201d I argued. \u201cYou left dinners early. You acted like being around me was work.\u201d<\/p>\n
Clara looked toward the patio.<\/p>\n
The guests had begun guiding the children back toward the pool, giving us the privacy of pretending not to listen.<\/p>\n
She sat on the edge of a lounge chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was afraid of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cYou missed birthdays.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
I almost laughed.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cOf me?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She nodded. \u201cOf what loving you might look like.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her fingers moved over the lighthouse.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour mother had been gone two years when I married your father. Her photographs were everywhere. Her recipes were still taped inside the cabinets. You wore one of her sweaters even when it was too hot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cOf what loving you might look like.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
I remembered that sweater.<\/p>\n
Green wool.<\/p>\n
Sleeves past my hands.<\/p>\n
Clara continued. \u201cI thought if I tried too hard, you would believe I wanted to replace her. If I did too little, you would think I did not care.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cSo you did nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
\u201cI stayed too far away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cSo you did nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Her answer was not a defense; It was an admission.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\u201cI convinced myself distance was respectful,\u201d Clara added. \u201cThen the years passed, and every attempt felt more awkward than the last.\u201d<\/p>\n
I thought about Christmas mornings.<\/p>\n
Clara always wrapped my gifts in brown paper because Mom had done that.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cI convinced myself distance was respectful.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
She made cinnamon rolls from Mom\u2019s recipe but never took credit.<\/p>\n
She kept my childhood drawings framed in the hallway.<\/p>\n
At graduations, she stood at the edge of photographs.<\/p>\n
I had interpreted every step backward as rejection.<\/p>\n
Maybe some of it had been fear.<\/p>\n
Maybe some of it had been mine too.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nMaybe some of it had been fear.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
***<\/p>\n
Ariel climbed into Clara\u2019s lap without asking.<\/p>\n
Clara froze, then placed one arm around her.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\u201cDoes the lighthouse still work?\u201d Ariel asked.<\/p>\n
Clara blinked.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cIt\u2019s a tattoo, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
\u201cNo. I mean the hope.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\n\u201cDoes the lighthouse still work?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Clara looked at me.<\/p>\n
The question broke something open between us.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d she said. \u201cI think it does.\u201d<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
The party continued, but not as before.<\/p>\n
Glen returned to the grill.<\/p>\n
My father brought Clara a dry towel.<\/p>\n
Ariel spent the afternoon drawing suns on everyone\u2019s paper cups.<\/p>\n
\n<\/div>\n\nThe party continued, but not as before.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Near sunset, after the last guest left, I found Clara sitting beside the empty pool with her feet in the water.<\/p>\n
I sat beside her.<\/p>\n